For as long as I can remember, I was stuck in crippling fear. My personal story has been a journey. My world felt like a battleground, and I felt like I was the only one fighting. I remember I used to lay in bed as early as the age of three and ask myself a series of questions: “Ella, do you want a toy? Do you need some water? Are you hungry? Could you use a hug?” If there was anybody else asking me those questions they were meaningless, as I didn’t ever trust the outcome. This is my bipolar healing story.
Sadness hit at an early age. I remember my first year of middle school I would wake up and for a split second, everything felt peaceful. Then the weight of the entire ocean proceeded to crash over my body. I carried the weight of the water of the world around me through the halls, fantasizing about who would show up to my funeral if my life were to suddenly end.
One day, later into that year, something happened. I woke up and the ocean had just stopped crashing. I thought it to be a miracle. Today, I look back and I know that in reality, I had just gone numb. The pain was too much. I shoved it down so deeply that even I didn’t know it was there.
My Journey Forward
From that point forward, I lived in a world entirely of my own making. I made a host of friends that didn’t seem to see my pain and didn’t care about my well being. But it felt better than being alone, which I felt all the time. Even when I was with them. I acted my way through life, both onstage and off. I’m not sure if I was fooling anybody other than myself.
I’ve tried a lot of things to make my horribles go away. I’ve tried to drink and smoke my horribles away. I’ve tried to kick and scream my horribles away. I’ve tried to hoe my horribles away. I’ve tried to laugh my horribles off. I’ve tried to put my horribles on other people. I’ve tried every external solution that I could think of. Through bitter experience, I know for myself that the only way to live with your horribles is to embrace them. To acknowledge them, and to know that they make you who you are.
My life has not been simple or easy. I spent a majority of it thus far throwing myself little pity parties, and was shocked and upset to learn that nobody attended them other than me. Though my story hasn’t been a straight line, I would not trade it for the world. In the depths of my heart, I genuinely thought that somebody like me never had a fighting chance in this world. I have been absolutely graced with the knowledge that I do. Anything and everything that I want to do on this earth are for the benefit of the girls out there who were like me. It’s not always easy to see the light, but it is there. I can only pray to continue to reach for it.